Giving Yourself A Handjob Doesn’t Make You Gay

The app that tracks each time you consummate your relationship with your hand.

It’s based on the simple premise that the more you touch your same-sex body, the higher the probability that you’re attracted to the same sex.

Stroke once to add an “encounter” and it logs the location and time, adding it to a chart diagnosing your mental illness. Every day without masturbation adds a distance between “turning gay” and your current status. Everyone starts out equal: everyone starts out gay. It’s up to you to prove otherwise through restraint. The less you masturbate, the more you’re rewarded with your status set to bisexual. With enough willpower, one day you might even turn out straight!

Once a week, the app discretely submits your current status, location and social security number to the Kinsey Institute for analysis.

Honesty is the best policy in this game. You are only cheating yourself if you try to game the system.