Perky Nipple App for iPhone

Put the nature of stats back into nurture!

Have you struggled since grammar school to see through mini dresses, halter tops and underwire bras in an obviously desperate attempt to gauge your compatibility with random female torsos? Do you trust augmented reality statistics – the result of advanced maths – over your own inexperienced guesswork?

The Perky Nipple App is here to assist in its small, upstanding way. It can’t overcome the iPhone’s admittedly 21st century technology, but it can augment its limits by adding a feature men often wish that women came with: a stats sheet.

Every boy digging through Dad’s desk knows how useful stats can be. Perky Nipple promises to be just as trustworthy as the flip side of a playboy centerfold spread, only without the bubbly signature. What male brain isn’t hardwired to remember 35″x24″x34″ (all-American girl Sandy Johnson, Miss June, 1974). Or Miss months before that: 34″x24″36″.

Simply point your iPhone camera at any woman and pretend to innocently take snapshots. With Perky Nipple in your pervy app arsenal, you’ll see a hovering graphic that instantly provides her three most relevant stats. Don’t like the results? Wobble your iPhone a little and the stats get amplified by beer goggles.