Are you having trouble keeping track of the names and details of your sexual conquests? Isn’t it impossible remembering what attracted you in the first place? If your life revolves around today’s faceless clubs, faceless coke, faceless cocktails and bland, muffless lady parts, how can one tryst NOT blend into the next?
Lucky for the man about town, there’s an app for that.
Combine AT&T’s lax security with the iPhone’s address book and its augmented reality capabilities, and you’re ready to make good on your oh-too-frequent promise to “be a decent human being and remember someone’s god damn name in the morning.”
Simply tap your fingertips under the patented “skirt proximity” detector to see at-a-glance which venue you should enter and which you’d better not. How about an example? Let’s say you’re outside The Griffin in LA. Just launch Notches In My Belt and point it at the door. The following augmented reality data bubbles appear over the building:
• The number of ladies (or men) that you’ve slept with who are currently in the bar
• Their names and how you rated them
• Snapshots that you took while each one was sleeping
• Their sexual foibles and whether or not they had a hot friend you might like to move onto
There’s also an online bragging rights component that tracks your scores! With Notches In My Belt for the iPhone, you can be The Man and have the pictures to prove it!
Perky Nipple App for iPhone
Put the nature of stats back into nurture!
Have you struggled since grammar school to see through mini dresses, halter tops and underwire bras in an obviously desperate attempt to gauge your compatibility with random female torsos? Do you trust augmented reality statistics – the result of advanced maths – over your own inexperienced guesswork?
The Perky Nipple App is here to assist in its small, upstanding way. It can’t overcome the iPhone’s admittedly 21st century technology, but it can augment its limits by adding a feature men often wish that women came with: a stats sheet.
Every boy digging through Dad’s desk knows how useful stats can be. Perky Nipple promises to be just as trustworthy as the flip side of a playboy centerfold spread, only without the bubbly signature. What male brain isn’t hardwired to remember 35″x24″x34″ (all-American girl Sandy Johnson, Miss June, 1974). Or Miss months before that: 34″x24″36″.
Simply point your iPhone camera at any woman and pretend to innocently take snapshots. With Perky Nipple in your pervy app arsenal, you’ll see a hovering graphic that instantly provides her three most relevant stats. Don’t like the results? Wobble your iPhone a little and the stats get amplified by beer goggles.