How does your porkchop stand up to the competition?

Don’t let Guinness Book Of World Records tell you whose porkchop is biggest. This app gives you the ability to decide with like-minded enthusiasts.

Share a photo of your giant porkchop and watch as the pork community votes your gorgeous specimen into the record books.

Put the nature of stats back into nurture!

Have you struggled since grammar school to see through mini dresses, halter tops and underwire bras in an obviously desperate attempt to gauge your compatibility with random female torsos? Do you trust augmented reality statistics – the result of advanced maths – over your own inexperienced guesswork?

The Perky Nipple App is here to assist in its small, upstanding way. It can’t overcome the iPhone’s admittedly 21st century technology, but it can augment its limits by adding a feature men often wish that women came with: a stats sheet.

Every boy digging through Dad’s desk knows how useful stats can be. Perky Nipple promises to be just as trustworthy as the flip side of a playboy centerfold spread, only without the bubbly signature. What male brain isn’t hardwired to remember 35″x24″x34″ (all-American girl Sandy Johnson, Miss June, 1974). Or Miss months before that: 34″x24″36″.

Simply point your iPhone camera at any woman and pretend to innocently take snapshots. With Perky Nipple in your pervy app arsenal, you’ll see a hovering graphic that instantly provides her three most relevant stats. Don’t like the results? Wobble your iPhone a little and the stats get amplified by beer goggles.

Recreate the “Great Monkey Trial” of Dayton, Tennessee through song and dance.

This app features more than thirty unlicensed monkey-themed song and dance steps about the “trial of the century.”

The Scopes Trial pitted two of the greatest legal minds of the 1920s – William Jennings Bryan vs Clarence Darrow – in an arm-wrestle of wits over Darwin’s controversial belief in scientific evidence. Featuring song and dance numbers from such period hits as “Give Me That Old-Time Religion” and “There’s a Monkey in My Bloodline, Get it Out, Get it Out!”

Seems like we’ve been reviewing banned apps forever. You’d think by this time we’d be desensitized to the crazy/offensive/foolish apps people think they can sneak past the App Store censors. But every once and a while… a gem like this comes along to surprise us.

After Road Head was banned a few months back, we thought we’d heard the last from this NSFW app developer. Well, here comes a sequel. But this time instead of trying to drive while distracted, you’re one of the kids in the backseat…

“Try to catch glimpses of your hot new Stepmom as she pleasures your Dad in the front seat – while you pretend to be asleep in the back! You and your Dad score for every second that you go undetected.”

For a more extreme experience, you can play the second level where you’ve fallen out of the back seat and now hang off the bumper for dear life, skateboarding (bumper skitching, for those not in the know) while covertly sneaking peeks.

Still can’t get enough parent-on-parent action?

Advanced level: no skateboard – just snow and ice and your Converse All Stars by John Varvatos. (Did this really get a sponsor?) Now you have to keep an eye out for patches of de-iced road.

Super advanced level: She’s your real mom and you get sick each time you look. But you can’t help yourself.

The original gravity-defying nude ink pen collection finally gets its hour on the iPhone.

What can you get nowadays for two dollars? The Novelty Erotic Pen Museum thinks it has the answer: over one-hundred and sixty classic novelty pens from their archives have been meticulously photographed, featuring statuesque models in the nude and in all stages of immodest seventies attire. Choose from a virtual plethora of brunettes, blondes and ginger-haired honeys. Tip your iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad upside down to witness your sexy lady’s clothing miraculously vanish.

Disclaimer: since the app does not exhibit a capacity to write on external objects with actual or synthetic ink, calling it a pen may be overstating its endowments.

Your wait is over. Jesus of Nazareth returns in pixel-perfect, full-color glory.

For daily reassurance or for a comforting virtual walk in the sand, simply launch Jesus Loves Me to peer into those sea-blue Mediterranean eyes, admire the unblemished skin and delicate chin just barely visible though a perfectly trimmed beard.

Stroke His cheek and Jesus says unto you:

“I Love You.”

While the app does nothing else, it may be the only personal affirmation app to over-deliver on the promise of the Jesus Phone.

Finally, an app that solves the age-old problem of leaving tofu in the refrigerator too long.

Throw away those magic markers! Throw away that calendar with its “dates” and “numbers” and its analog conception of “time”. Tofu Freshness Countdown uses advanced calculus and other math and stuff just to remember when you first opened your package of tofu. Its sophisticated graphical user interface displays in large type how many days – and even hours and minutes – since you opened your tofu package. So simple even a vegetarian child can learn to use it.

Simply break open your tofu package, launch Tofu Freshness Countdown App and press START.

Not sure if your tofu is good a week later? No need to smell it! Yuck! No need to scrape the sides or check for firmness! Ewww! Just launch Tofu Freshness Countdown and you’re golden.

Code monkeys have taken care of the rest.

There are simply a thousand reasons why a mother’s milk is the perfect sleep aid. Now through the magic of the iPhone, we’re happy to introduce you to the most calming app on the planet. Fall asleep to soothing recordings of teat suckling, of the milkman delivering fresh bottles, and of the hum, hum, humming of a microwave as it heats infant formula to your preferred temperature.

The perfect sleep aid, now in bottled iPhone form.

EXTRA BONUS: Because you’re lucky and because the developers love you, they’ve also included the relaxing sounds of a nearly silent breast milk pump for discreet nursing. Ideal for office nap time.

About to be mugged? It doesn’t have to be this way!

The next time you’re out for a midnight stroll and your sixth sense tells you that you took a wrong turn, just launch Crazy-Talk Mugging Prevention App and start mumbling the stream of incoherent ramblings you hear in your headphones. Even if you dress in your best jeans and digg hoodie, your potential muggers will later swear to friends that the only thing they saw that night was “a crazy, possessed homeless dude”.

With the Crazy-Talk Mugging Prevention App and a little buffo acting, you’ll immediately stop looking like easy mark.

And just in case your potential muggers stick around to watch your entertaining babble, the app provides over fifteen minutes of rants before anyone could detect an overlap.

Defiling the temple of the lord one digital caffeine molecule at a time.

Turn your iPhone or iPod Touch into a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints-approved soda pop machine.

Featuring favorites like Shasta, Dr. Pepper and Diet Sunkist, buying a soft drink is as easy as upgrading a level. Add your real money (50¢ each via OneClick) and watch as a pop can virtually tumbles into view. Tap the top to hear the can crack open. Tip your phone to your mouth to hear caffeinated soda-gulping sounds. Your friends will think you’ve gone over to the dark side until you show them that it’s all just an entertaining, pocket-change-losing past time.

If the refreshing taste of caffeinated soda doesn’t get you all wired up, Mormon Caffeine features two hidden extras! Shake your iPhone to change the entire app to a hospital coffee dispenser! Shake it again to switch the app to a seedy liquor store open 24/7. It’s like three prohibitions in one! Every version accepts your real money in exchange for clean, innocent fun. So you can get a faux fix while remaining a faux angel!

Joseph Smith would be laughing in his grave if he could get a hold of this nearly banned app.