British localization of I Stole It! Everything you get with the previously banned “high-thievery, Bernie Madoff-endorsed pickpocket app” only less Stateside and easier to bed.
Just added: does something you stole have a barcode? Now you can scan it!
I Nicked It! iPhone App
This app released on December 7, 2009 Tagged con artist app, i nicked it, i pinched it app, i stole it app, iNicked it, iPinched it, iStole it, stealing iPhone, theft, thievery app
Notches In My Belt
Are you having trouble keeping track of the names and details of your sexual conquests? Isn’t it impossible remembering what attracted you in the first place? If your life revolves around today’s faceless clubs, faceless coke, faceless cocktails and bland, muffless lady parts, how can one tryst NOT blend into the next?
Lucky for the man about town, there’s an app for that.
Combine AT&T’s lax security with the iPhone’s address book and its augmented reality capabilities, and you’re ready to make good on your oh-too-frequent promise to “be a decent human being and remember someone’s god damn name in the morning.”
Simply tap your fingertips under the patented “skirt proximity” detector to see at-a-glance which venue you should enter and which you’d better not. How about an example? Let’s say you’re outside The Griffin in LA. Just launch Notches In My Belt and point it at the door. The following augmented reality data bubbles appear over the building:
• The number of ladies (or men) that you’ve slept with who are currently in the bar
• Their names and how you rated them
• Snapshots that you took while each one was sleeping
• Their sexual foibles and whether or not they had a hot friend you might like to move onto
There’s also an online bragging rights component that tracks your scores! With Notches In My Belt for the iPhone, you can be The Man and have the pictures to prove it!
This app released on November 30, 2009 Tagged augmented reality app, chick tracking app, girlfriend maintenance app
My Tofu Is Bigger Than Your Porkchop
Just in time for Thanksgiving, a food harvesting game app that finally lays to rest the age-old question that’s tormented centuries of philosophers and dietitians: whose diet is bigger?
The app features two paths: the Vegetarian Philosopher or the Porkchop Philistine. You are provided with the same amount of start-up capital (1,000 tokens) and the tools of your trade: a soybean farm or a pig farm. From there, you check in at least once a day to run your business into the stratosphere or into the ground. Agribusiness clients visit you once each week to broker soymilk or sausage deals. Share tips and tricks with online friends. Track and compare your gardening and harvesting skills on the public leaderboard.
This app released on November 26, 2009 Tagged banned food app, kosher app, pork app, tofu app, vegan app
Landshark App
Plumber… Flowers… Candygram. This stealth urban predator goes by many friendly-sounding names, but make no mistake… one comically terrifying name suits him best: Landshark!
Infamous for a laughable killing spree that raged through the 1970s, he single-finnedly maimed and devoured any overly-curious comedienne who was silly enough to answer the door.
Ever since the revolutionary iPhone debuted, there’s unlikely a single person who hasn’t secretly wished for a Landshark soundboard app. After NBC and SNL refused to make it happen, a rogue group of comedy die-hards spent every waking hour devoted to satisfying this unspoken craving. The Landshark iPhone App features soundboards for all six of the most famous knock knock routines ever committed to videotape.
Visiting a friend? Break out Landshark, and when she asks from the other side of the door “Who is it?”… reject the impulse to do your pathetic Chevy Chase impersonation! Just touch any button and let the laughs roll over you like a wave of bygone, classic comedy.
This app released on November 23, 2009 Tagged land shark app, land shark for iPhone, landshark iPhone app, SNL iPhone App
Twin Balloons
Never fall victim to the mistakes that women often make when it comes to picking up a man and keeping him for life. Created by the editors of Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Twin Balloons iPhone App features 88 “super fantastic ideas” to convince a first date that you are worth the inconvenience of having him shave, dress up and search for unexpired condoms just to meet you tonight.
How empowering is Twin Balloons advice? A free example illustrates:
Cosmo Tip No. 12:
Suppose you arrive at the amusement park early and you’re thinking to yourself, “I shouldn’t have come here empty handed, I should have gotten him a little gift or something.” You look around and you see a monkey selling balloons. Now is the big decision. Thinking of getting him a balloon? Don’t. Always get a man two balloons.
You see, you may not have thought of this but apparently Twin Balloons has:
One balloon has the potential of scaring off an ordinary single man who’s wondering to himself:
“Is she already saying I’m the one? Is she trying to cut off my fantasy of sleeping with two women? Is she not into that? — why advertise that now? I don’t get it!?! What sign is she giving me? Is she missing a breast? I’m not sure I’m mature enough to handle that.”
Men will think these and a thousand other insane ideas just because you messed up the symbolism. Instead, get him two balloons. Two balloons will double your chance of finding a long term committed relationship rather than scaring one off unintentionally.
The Twin Balloons App was written for women by women. Actually we heard it was written by two guys dressed as women so they can get a discount on rent. (The city is hella expensive.)
This app released on November 16, 2009 Tagged busty, dating app for the iPhone, men are from venus app, pink balloons app, women are from mars app, women's advice app, women's mistakes
Bomb Muslim Stereotypes iPhone App
A multiple-choice game app that enables you to identify and destroy stereotypes about Muslims. You’re shown four purported stereotypes. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to pick the one that’s a real stereotype. An example to illustrate:
Muslims appreciate Western influence but don’t know how to show it. (false)
Muslims read. (false)
Muslims wear turbans. (true)
Muslims are an immanent threat to the Asian subcontinent. (false)
Tricky, isn’t it? They all sound good. The third choice is a true stereotype, because although we think they do, not all muslims wear turbans. It’s hard to believe, but many don’t wear any identifying headgear. Of those that do, more than half wear uv-protective masks called “burkas” because women shouldn’t provoke the desire of their male counterparts. Every correct answer gains you a token, every wrong answer takes your token away. Your goal is to collect nine tokens.
For every correct guess, you see the correct stereotype blown up, preceded in stereo by audibly realistic airplanes flying overhead. You want to listen to this with your headphones.
This app released on November 12, 2009 Tagged dutch cartooning, multicultural app, muslim awareness app, religious tolerance, terroriism app, terrorist game
Giving Yourself A Handjob Doesn’t Make You Gay
The app that tracks each time you consummate your relationship with your hand.
It’s based on the simple premise that the more you touch your same-sex body, the higher the probability that you’re attracted to the same sex.
Stroke once to add an “encounter” and it logs the location and time, adding it to a chart diagnosing your mental illness. Every day without masturbation adds a distance between “turning gay” and your current status. Everyone starts out equal: everyone starts out gay. It’s up to you to prove otherwise through restraint. The less you masturbate, the more you’re rewarded with your status set to bisexual. With enough willpower, one day you might even turn out straight!
Once a week, the app discretely submits your current status, location and social security number to the Kinsey Institute for analysis.
Honesty is the best policy in this game. You are only cheating yourself if you try to game the system.
This app released on November 9, 2009 Tagged bisexual iPhone app, gay app, gay iPhone app, handjob tracking app, masturbation tracker for iPhone
Teenage Innocence
A team of well-intentioned designers and coders apparently spent every waking hour in the last twenty months archiving for your perusal and enjoyment every known studio film clip of underage sex. From Little Darlings to The Blue Lagoon, it’s a veritable IMDb+YouTube for legal, Hollywood-sanctioned, underage on-screen lovemaking.
Obviously, we wouldn’t recommend this app if it didn’t come with a guarantee that every clip, image and bit of dialogue is both underage and legal – because no one wants to explain to fellow inmates: “I thought Kristy McNichol was fair play!”
This app released on November 5, 2009 Tagged age-appropriate app, hollywood teen comedy app, pron for iPhone, teen sex, underage sex app
Glenn Beck Cries For Me iPhone App
Wipe tears from the cheeks of Glenn Beck in this exciting new iPhone game.
Normally stoic and restrained, Fox’s conservative pundit Glenn Beck is known to occasionally shed a tear for Lady Liberty. Especially when he suspects the enemies of freedom are plotting to systematically dismantle white America. Now with a few words cooed into your iPhone, you have total control over his mental state!
The Glenn Beck Cries For Me iPhone App channels Beck’s inner ear demon. If you’re on the Right, just hum a patriotic tune about your assault rifle or whisper your thinly veiled fear of others into his onscreen microphone to control his melodramatic eyebrows. If you’re on the Left, tell him of your plans to “cut and run” from illegal wars and to hand out “free health insurance” to Americans who are less fortunate than him. Then watch his face flush red as Beck begins blubbering with the genuine emotion of Shatner during a Vulcan mind-meld.
Ready to make a quick about face? At any time you can wipe Beck’s tears away with a stoke of your fingers and he’s all better.
Love him or hate him… this Official Fox Entertainment game is simply the most cathartic game we’ve ever tested!
This app released on November 2, 2009 Tagged conservative social networking app, fox news app, glenn beck app, glenn beck crying, official glenn beck iphone app
Mormon Caffeine iPhone App
Defiling the temple of the lord one digital caffeine molecule at a time.
Turn your iPhone or iPod Touch into a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints-approved soda pop machine.
Featuring favorites like Shasta, Dr. Pepper and Diet Sunkist, buying a soft drink is as easy as upgrading a level. Add your real money (50¢ each via OneClick) and watch as a pop can virtually tumbles into view. Tap the top to hear the can crack open. Tip your phone to your mouth to hear caffeinated soda-gulping sounds. Your friends will think you’ve gone over to the dark side until you show them that it’s all just an entertaining, pocket-change-losing past time.
If the refreshing taste of caffeinated soda doesn’t get you all wired up, Mormon Caffeine features two hidden extras! Shake your iPhone to change the entire app to a hospital coffee dispenser! Shake it again to switch the app to a seedy liquor store open 24/7. It’s like three prohibitions in one! Every version accepts your real money in exchange for clean, innocent fun. So you can get a faux fix while remaining a faux angel!
Joseph Smith would be laughing in his grave if he could get a hold of this nearly banned app.