Road Head 2 Bumper Skitching App

Road Head 2: Bumper Skitching

Seems like we’ve been reviewing banned apps forever. You’d think by this time we’d be desensitized to the crazy/offensive/foolish apps people think they can sneak past the App Store censors. But every once and a while… a gem like this comes along to surprise us.

After Road Head was banned a few months back, we thought we’d heard the last from this NSFW app developer. Well, here comes a sequel. But this time instead of trying to drive while distracted, you’re one of the kids in the backseat…

“Try to catch glimpses of your hot new Stepmom as she pleasures your Dad in the front seat – while you pretend to be asleep in the back! You and your Dad score for every second that you go undetected.”

For a more extreme experience, you can play the second level where you’ve fallen out of the back seat and now hang off the bumper for dear life, skateboarding (bumper skitching, for those not in the know) while covertly sneaking peeks.

Still can’t get enough parent-on-parent action?

Advanced level: no skateboard – just snow and ice and your Converse All Stars by John Varvatos. (Did this really get a sponsor?) Now you have to keep an eye out for patches of de-iced road.

Super advanced level: She’s your real mom and you get sick each time you look. But you can’t help yourself.

Why Was This App Banned? depicts uncompensated sex acts
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That 70s Pen App

That 70’s Pen

The original gravity-defying nude ink pen collection finally gets its hour on the iPhone.

What can you get nowadays for two dollars? The Novelty Erotic Pen Museum thinks it has the answer: over one-hundred and sixty classic novelty pens from their archives have been meticulously photographed, featuring statuesque models in the nude and in all stages of immodest seventies attire. Choose from a virtual plethora of brunettes, blondes and ginger-haired honeys. Tip your iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad upside down to witness your sexy lady’s clothing miraculously vanish.

Disclaimer: since the app does not exhibit a capacity to write on external objects with actual or synthetic ink, calling it a pen may be overstating its endowments.

Why Was This App Banned? full frontal nudity may not be appropriate for all ages, indirectly promotes literacy
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Jesus Loves Me App

Jesus Loves Me

Your wait is over. Jesus of Nazareth returns in pixel-perfect, full-color glory.

For daily reassurance simply launch Jesus Loves Me and peer into the Savior’s sea-blue Mediterranean eyes. Admire the handsome jawline and delicate, perfectly-trimmed beard.

Stroke His cheek and Jesus saith unto thee:

“I Love You.”

While the app does nothing else, it may be the only personal affirmation app to over-deliver on the promise of the Jesus Phone.

Why Was This App Banned? specious reasoning, profound misunderstanding of the teachings of Jesus
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Tofu Freshness Countdown App

Tofu Freshness Countdown

Finally, an app that solves the age-old problem of leaving tofu in the refrigerator too long.

Throw away those magic markers! Throw away that calendar with its “dates” and “numbers” and its analog conception of “time”. Tofu Freshness Countdown uses advanced calculus and other math and stuff just to remember when you first opened your package of tofu. Its sophisticated graphical user interface displays in large type how many days – and even hours and minutes – since you opened your tofu package. So simple even a vegetarian child can learn to use it.

Simply break open your tofu package, launch Tofu Freshness Countdown App and press START.

Not sure if your tofu is good a week later? No need to smell it! Yuck! No need to scrape the sides or check for firmness! Ewww! Just launch Tofu Freshness Countdown and you’re golden.

Code monkeys have taken care of the rest.

Why Was This App Banned? lack of activities for the kids
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A Mother's Milk App

A Mother’s Milk iPhone App

There are simply a thousand reasons why a mother’s milk is the perfect sleep aid. Now through the magic of the iPhone, we’re happy to introduce you to the most calming app on the planet. Fall asleep to soothing recordings of teat suckling, of the milkman delivering fresh bottles, and of the hum, hum, humming of a microwave as it heats infant formula to your preferred temperature.

The perfect sleep aid, now in bottled iPhone form.

EXTRA BONUS: Because you’re lucky and because the developers love you, they’ve also included the relaxing sounds of a nearly silent breast milk pump for discreet nursing. Ideal for office nap time.

Why Was This App Banned? Apple censors found this more stimulating than drowsing
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Crazy Talk Mugging Prevention App

Crazy-Talk Mugging Prevention App

About to be mugged? It doesn’t have to be this way!

The next time you’re out for a midnight stroll and your sixth sense tells you that you took a wrong turn, just launch Crazy-Talk Mugging Prevention App and start mumbling the stream of incoherent ramblings you hear in your headphones. Even if you dress in your best jeans and digg hoodie, your potential muggers will later swear to friends that the only thing they saw that night was “a crazy, possessed homeless dude”.

With the Crazy-Talk Mugging Prevention App and a little buffo acting, you’ll immediately stop looking like easy mark.

And just in case your potential muggers stick around to watch your entertaining babble, the app provides over fifteen minutes of rants before anyone could detect an overlap.

Why Was This App Banned? admittedly incoherent content, also ineffective with police shakedowns
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Mormon Caffeine App

Mormon Caffeine iPhone App

Defiling the temple of the lord one digital caffeine molecule at a time.

Turn your iPhone or iPod Touch into a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints-approved soda pop machine.

Featuring favorites like Shasta, Dr. Pepper and Diet Sunkist, buying a soft drink is as easy as upgrading a level. Add your real money (50¢ each via OneClick) and watch as a pop can virtually tumbles into view. Tap the top to hear the can crack open. Tip your phone to your mouth to hear caffeinated soda-gulping sounds. Your friends will think you’ve gone over to the dark side until you show them that it’s all just an entertaining, pocket-change-losing past time.

If the refreshing taste of caffeinated soda doesn’t get you all wired up, Mormon Caffeine features two hidden extras! Shake your iPhone to change the entire app to a hospital coffee dispenser! Shake it again to switch the app to a seedy liquor store open 24/7. It’s like three prohibitions in one! Every version accepts your real money in exchange for clean, innocent fun. So you can get a faux fix while remaining a faux angel!

Joseph Smith would be laughing in his grave if he could get a hold of this nearly banned app.

Why Was This App Banned? inappropriate use of game levels, theism-bashing
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I Nicked It iPhone App

I Nicked It! iPhone App

British localization of I Stole It! Everything you get with the previously banned “high-thievery, Bernie Madoff-endorsed pickpocket app” only less Stateside and easier to bed.

Just added: does something you stole have a barcode? Now you can scan it!

Why Was This App Banned? poor implementation, humorless effort for an import
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Notches In My Belt App

Notches In My Belt

Are you having trouble keeping track of the names and details of your sexual conquests? Isn’t it impossible remembering what attracted you in the first place? If your life revolves around today’s faceless clubs, faceless coke, faceless cocktails and bland, muffless lady parts, how can one tryst NOT blend into the next?

Lucky for the man about town, there’s an app for that.

Combine AT&T’s lax security with the iPhone’s address book and its augmented reality capabilities, and you’re ready to make good on your oh-too-frequent promise to “be a decent human being and remember someone’s god damn name in the morning.”

Simply tap your fingertips under the patented “skirt proximity” detector to see at-a-glance which venue you should enter and which you’d better not. How about an example? Let’s say you’re outside The Griffin in LA. Just launch Notches In My Belt and point it at the door. The following augmented reality data bubbles appear over the building:

• The number of ladies (or men) that you’ve slept with who are currently in the bar
• Their names and how you rated them
• Snapshots that you took while each one was sleeping
• Their sexual foibles and whether or not they had a hot friend you might like to move onto

There’s also an online bragging rights component that tracks your scores! With Notches In My Belt for the iPhone, you can be The Man and have the pictures to prove it!

Why Was This App Banned? JC Penny called, they want their icon back
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My Tofu Is Bigger Than Your Porkchop App

My Tofu Is Bigger Than Your Porkchop

Just in time for Thanksgiving, a food harvesting game app that finally lays to rest the age-old question that’s tormented centuries of philosophers and dietitians: whose diet is bigger?

The app features two paths: the Vegetarian Philosopher or the Porkchop Philistine. You are provided with the same amount of start-up capital (1,000 tokens) and the tools of your trade: a soybean farm or a pig farm. From there, you check in at least once a day to run your business into the stratosphere or into the ground. Agribusiness clients visit you once each week to broker soymilk or sausage deals. Share tips and tricks with online friends. Track and compare your gardening and harvesting skills on the public leaderboard.

Why Was This App Banned? not kosher, condescending toward naturalistic implants
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