Landshark App

Landshark App

Plumber… Flowers… Candygram. This stealth urban predator goes by many friendly-sounding names, but make no mistake… one comically terrifying name suits him best: Landshark!

Infamous for a laughable killing spree that raged through the 1970s, he single-finnedly maimed and devoured any overly-curious comedienne who was silly enough to answer the door.

Ever since the revolutionary iPhone debuted, there’s unlikely a single person who hasn’t secretly wished for a Landshark soundboard app. After NBC and SNL refused to make it happen, a rogue group of comedy die-hards spent every waking hour devoted to satisfying this unspoken craving. The Landshark iPhone App features soundboards for all six of the most famous knock knock routines ever committed to videotape.

Visiting a friend? Break out Landshark, and when she asks from the other side of the door “Who is it?”… reject the impulse to do your pathetic Chevy Chase impersonation! Just touch any button and let the laughs roll over you like a wave of bygone, classic comedy.

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Why Was This App Banned? pulled out of respect for NBC Universal and SNL corporate lawyers, damn they're fast
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Twin Balloons App

Twin Balloons

Never fall victim to the mistakes that women often make when it comes to picking up a man and keeping him for life. Created by the editors of Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Twin Balloons iPhone App features 88 “super fantastic ideas” to convince a first date that you are worth the inconvenience of having him shave, dress up and search for unexpired condoms just to meet you tonight.

How empowering is Twin Balloons advice? A free example illustrates:

Cosmo Tip No. 12:

Suppose you arrive at the amusement park early and you’re thinking to yourself, “I shouldn’t have come here empty handed, I should have gotten him a little gift or something.” You look around and you see a monkey selling balloons. Now is the big decision. Thinking of getting him a balloon? Don’t. Always get a man two balloons.

You see, you may not have thought of this but apparently Twin Balloons has:

One balloon has the potential of scaring off an ordinary single man who’s wondering to himself:

“Is she already saying I’m the one? Is she trying to cut off my fantasy of sleeping with two women? Is she not into that? — why advertise that now? I don’t get it!?! What sign is she giving me? Is she missing a breast? I’m not sure I’m mature enough to handle that.”

Men will think these and a thousand other insane ideas just because you messed up the symbolism. Instead, get him two balloons. Two balloons will double your chance of finding a long term committed relationship rather than scaring one off unintentionally.

The Twin Balloons App was written for women by women. Actually we heard it was written by two guys dressed as women so they can get a discount on rent. (The city is hella expensive.)

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Why Was This App Banned? too much left to the imagination
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Giving Yourself A Handjob Doesn't Make You Gay App

Giving Yourself A Handjob Doesn’t Make You Gay

The app that tracks each time you consummate your relationship with your hand.

It’s based on the simple premise that the more you touch your same-sex body, the higher the probability that you’re attracted to the same sex.

Stroke once to add an “encounter” and it logs the location and time, adding it to a chart diagnosing your mental illness. Every day without masturbation adds a distance between “turning gay” and your current status. Everyone starts out equal: everyone starts out gay. It’s up to you to prove otherwise through restraint. The less you masturbate, the more you’re rewarded with your status set to bisexual. With enough willpower, one day you might even turn out straight!

Once a week, the app discretely submits your current status, location and social security number to the Kinsey Institute for analysis.

Honesty is the best policy in this game. You are only cheating yourself if you try to game the system.

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Why Was This App Banned? Apple writes: "Um, I'm gonna say no."
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Teenage Innocence App

Teenage Innocence

A team of well-intentioned designers and coders apparently spent every waking hour in the last twenty months archiving for your perusal and enjoyment every known studio film clip of underage sex. From Little Darlings to The Blue Lagoon, it’s a veritable IMDb+YouTube for legal, Hollywood-sanctioned, underage on-screen lovemaking.

Obviously, we wouldn’t recommend this app if it didn’t come with a guarantee that every clip, image and bit of dialogue is both underage and legal – because no one wants to explain to fellow inmates: “I thought Kristy McNichol was fair play!”

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Why Was This App Banned? bloated download size, brief nudity, some material appeared to be unlicensed, also advertised archive was less than complete
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Glenn Beck Cries For Me App

Glenn Beck Cries For Me iPhone App

Wipe tears from the cheeks of Glenn Beck in this exciting new iPhone game.

Normally stoic and restrained, Fox’s conservative pundit Glenn Beck is known to occasionally shed a tear for Lady Liberty. Especially when he suspects the enemies of freedom are plotting to systematically dismantle white America. Now with a few words cooed into your iPhone, you have total control over his mental state!

The Glenn Beck Cries For Me iPhone App channels Beck’s inner ear demon. If you’re on the Right, just hum a patriotic tune about your assault rifle or whisper your thinly veiled fear of others into his onscreen microphone to control his melodramatic eyebrows. If you’re on the Left, tell him of your plans to “cut and run” from illegal wars and to hand out “free health insurance” to Americans who are less fortunate than him. Then watch his face flush red as Beck begins blubbering with the genuine emotion of Shatner during a Vulcan mind-meld.

Ready to make a quick about face? At any time you can wipe Beck’s tears away with a stoke of your fingers and he’s all better.

Love him or hate him… this Official Fox Entertainment game is simply the most cathartic game we’ve ever tested!

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Why Was This App Banned? turns out this was a rogue project out of Fox Entertainment which didn't consult Fox News Corp or Beck's attorneys before debuting the app
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Random Rabbit Ears App

Random Rabbit Ears

An app that “monitors both” your outgoing email “and” text messages and inserts quotations around the “least”-likely text to require quotation marks. WT”F”?

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Why Was This App Banned? app runs multiple processes when quit
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False Positive Pregnancy App

False Positive Pregnancy

Will he stay or will he go?

See what your boyfriend, fiance or husband is made of with the False Positive Pregnancy App for iPhone!

Just launch the app and explain to him how it works. You blow on the iPhone’s microphone as instructed until you hear a special ring tone (the endearing chime of a baby rattle). A few moments later, you can watch his face as the pink strip reveals giant… plus sign!

Guaranteed false positive every time!

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Why Was This App Banned? bad science
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Osama Bin Laden Can Lick My Balls App

Osama Bin Laden Can Lick My Balls

Pinball application featuring nine-hundred and eleven levels of cartoon terrorists, mouths agape. Players start out with two paddles, six pinballs, a spring-loaded launcher and a medley of mouth-foaming terrorists. The object is to paddle all six balls into the mouths of the various terrorists before each timed level runs out.

But be careful on the final level when you come ball-to-face with Osama Bin Laden, the very madman made famous for his cave-fresh complexion, his camel bladder and his legendary lashing tongue.

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Why Was This App Banned? Apple censors buckled to pressure from the Foundation for Pre-Arcade Technologies.
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Warm Towels App

Warm Towels iPhone App

This new app from Taiwan finally provides a convenient two-compartment storage space, within your iPhone, for virtual towels.

Ever step out of a shower only to find your boyfriend or husband snatched the last towel? How annoying is that? Instead of getting mad, or worse getting even later tonight, just launch the Warm Towels App for iPhone and you’ll have two “furnace-warmed” virtual towels, one to throw on the chilly tiles of the bathroom floor, and another to wrap around that rockin’ torso that gained you so much unwanted attention in your teens. Towels are heated naturally and efficiently by harnessing excess heat generated by the iPhone. Best of all, your virtual towels never require washing or folding. And there’s virtually no drying time so that “mildewy towel smell” (that the man in your life seems never to notice) will be a thing of the past.

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Why Was This App Banned? Apple censors write: “...how many times do we have to request you not to make up shit about our devices? Though we can't comment on future products, we assure you that the iPhone never has and never will heat towels, virtual or otherwise.”
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The Dog Did It App

The Dog Did It

Blame God? Or blame the dog…?

Atheist version of the popular banned app Pull God’s Finger which wrongly attributed bodily exhaust to an intelligent designer. Since launching that app a week ago, the lead developer wrote on his blog that he became a little skeptical (and a wee-bit smug):

Though at times filled with hot air, it turns out that a supernatural creator likely has very little to do with the gastric process resulting in flatulence. What’s behind the funny sound and foul odor is actually an emission of gasses at the tail end of the digestive process in mammals.

To which we answer: why you gotta be a buzz kill?

This so-called “new and improved” gas attribution app works just like before – it sniffs the air using Apple’s triple-patented on-chip scent detector. Then, using a complex verdict algorithm, it attributes blame. Only instead of blaming a higher power for the offensive odor, this one announces, simply:

“The dog did it.”

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Why Was This App Banned? Apple writes: "App attempts to access on-chip technology that still does not exist in the mobile device." also "Please stop feeding the little guy fresh chicken! Now I gotta leave the room."
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