Never fall victim to the mistakes that women often make when it comes to picking up a man and keeping him for life. Created by the editors of Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Twin Balloons iPhone App features 88 “super fantastic ideas” to convince a first date that you are worth the inconvenience of having him shave, dress up and search for unexpired condoms just to meet you tonight.
How empowering is Twin Balloons advice? A free example illustrates:
Cosmo Tip No. 12:
Suppose you arrive at the amusement park early and you’re thinking to yourself, “I shouldn’t have come here empty handed, I should have gotten him a little gift or something.” You look around and you see a monkey selling balloons. Now is the big decision. Thinking of getting him a balloon? Don’t. Always get a man two balloons.
You see, you may not have thought of this but apparently Twin Balloons has:
One balloon has the potential of scaring off an ordinary single man who’s wondering to himself:
“Is she already saying I’m the one? Is she trying to cut off my fantasy of sleeping with two women? Is she not into that? — why advertise that now? I don’t get it!?! What sign is she giving me? Is she missing a breast? I’m not sure I’m mature enough to handle that.”
Men will think these and a thousand other insane ideas just because you messed up the symbolism. Instead, get him two balloons. Two balloons will double your chance of finding a long term committed relationship rather than scaring one off unintentionally.
The Twin Balloons App was written for women by women. Actually we heard it was written by two guys dressed as women so they can get a discount on rent. (The city is hella expensive.)
Landshark App
Plumber… Flowers… Candygram. This stealth urban predator goes by many friendly-sounding names, but make no mistake… one comically terrifying name suits him best: Landshark!
Infamous for a laughable killing spree that raged through the 1970s, he single-finnedly maimed and devoured any overly-curious comedienne who was silly enough to answer the door.
Ever since the revolutionary iPhone debuted, there’s unlikely a single person who hasn’t secretly wished for a Landshark soundboard app. After NBC and SNL refused to make it happen, a rogue group of comedy die-hards spent every waking hour devoted to satisfying this unspoken craving. The Landshark iPhone App features soundboards for all six of the most famous knock knock routines ever committed to videotape.
Visiting a friend? Break out Landshark, and when she asks from the other side of the door “Who is it?”… reject the impulse to do your pathetic Chevy Chase impersonation! Just touch any button and let the laughs roll over you like a wave of bygone, classic comedy.